Last night I tried to get into a favorite dress, and it was definitely tight. It was a size 2, so I'm not too broken up about the not-fitting part - just the fact that I can't wear it now. :/ I really did like it. But! I must say, I tried on a form-fitting little black dress I had, and it looked ten times better on curvier me.
So, score.
I only got two hours of sleep last night. Maybe tonight I can fall asleep at a normal hour. The planning my meal times thing is helping.
Food
12pm: Green drink with almost 2 heads romaine, banana, standard powders
3:30pm: 3 eggs with half a bell pepper, 3 carrots, one whole zuccini
9:00pm: Green & Black's 1/2 bar.
Drinks: tea and coffee with stevia and organic milk; lots of water with splash of cranberry concentrate and stevia.
Exercise
- 20 minutes cardio outside.
- 3 minutes hoop, 30 crunches.
Will hopefully move more before I fall asleep.
Physical Things - very bloated and constipated today. Instead of freaking out, I drank lots of water, took some Triphala, and chilled. I didn't force myself to eat more, because I'm not hungry. I'm only eating chocolate now because I emotionally want it.
The Good
- clearer skin, healthier hair, much more peaceful, joyful, meditative. No acid reflux.
I think I addressed the emotional stuff in the post below; that was my main issue today.
And it's been a bit of a struggle learning to trust my body about when to eat. Like today - I feel I haven't eaten much at all, but I'm extremely full and don't want to take in more food.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Day Five - slight breakdown
After remarking yesterday about my family's support regarding my dietary choices, I realize I may have been too hasty.
Though yesterday was technically Thanksgiving, none of the food was ready yet. So we had Thanksgiving today, and once it was cooked, my mother asked me whether I was going to have anything. I said no. Food was had. Afterwards, as I was cleaning, she told me not to, since I hadn't had anything anyway.
I told her it felt good to contribute to Thanksgiving by preparing and cleaning up; since I couldn't share the food itself, it kept me feeling like part of the holiday. (All true, by the way.)
So she said she didn't like me "eating like that" and doesn't think it's healthy.
I left and went for a walk.
I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by her statement. My eating habits over the years, from vegetarianism to veganism to eating disorders, never sat well with her. Obviously I can understand her point of view, and of course, agree with her on the latter.
However, she is definitely of the mindset that if I'm not consuming the Standard American Diet, something's wrong with me.
I guess I just felt offended. I feel great - better than I have in years. Honestly, I was expecting some... recognition? Accolades? I wanted her to agree with me that I feel better than I have in years.
Which is kind of silly. She can't know how I feel. But right now, I have to focus on a healthy recovery - not defending my food choices to my family. I promised myself that I would listen to my body and honor it best I can, and that's what I'm going to continue to do. Maybe over time, my mother will realize that it's working for me, and that just because she doesn't understand it, doesn't mean it's wrong.
Though yesterday was technically Thanksgiving, none of the food was ready yet. So we had Thanksgiving today, and once it was cooked, my mother asked me whether I was going to have anything. I said no. Food was had. Afterwards, as I was cleaning, she told me not to, since I hadn't had anything anyway.
I told her it felt good to contribute to Thanksgiving by preparing and cleaning up; since I couldn't share the food itself, it kept me feeling like part of the holiday. (All true, by the way.)
So she said she didn't like me "eating like that" and doesn't think it's healthy.
I left and went for a walk.
I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by her statement. My eating habits over the years, from vegetarianism to veganism to eating disorders, never sat well with her. Obviously I can understand her point of view, and of course, agree with her on the latter.
However, she is definitely of the mindset that if I'm not consuming the Standard American Diet, something's wrong with me.
I guess I just felt offended. I feel great - better than I have in years. Honestly, I was expecting some... recognition? Accolades? I wanted her to agree with me that I feel better than I have in years.
Which is kind of silly. She can't know how I feel. But right now, I have to focus on a healthy recovery - not defending my food choices to my family. I promised myself that I would listen to my body and honor it best I can, and that's what I'm going to continue to do. Maybe over time, my mother will realize that it's working for me, and that just because she doesn't understand it, doesn't mean it's wrong.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Day Four - Successful Turkey Day
Today I felt wonderful. I got only six hours of sleep, but remained energetic and cheerful throughout the day. I even got through standing in line for 40 minutes at the bakery at 6am for the family. It actually felt good to do something nice for the ole pie-eaters. :-)
I did not partake in the holiday feast. It wasn't hard - it's not a huge big deal holiday or anything for us. There's food, but no production, no big company. And my family is really supportive of my raw food diet, so long as I'm using it to get healthy. So no unnecessary explanations or repeated denials of turkey.
I did 25 minutes of solo yoga this morning. I highly recommend adding dance breaks (boogie-asana?) between sun salutations. It makes everything more fun.
Also went for a quick 20-minute walk, and danced around for a while just because I felt like I wanted to move.
Today has just been pebbled with moments of deep joy, gratitude, and bliss. That's the only way I can describe it. The fatigue that's been plague-ing me is gone. I feel wonderful. Light, peaceful, happy.
Light-hearted and bright, I would say.
Stats
Breakfast: Green shake. It was delicious. I added more cacao and it just amped it up. It tasted like a chocolate milkshake, and all it was was 1 head romaine hearts, maca, cacao, banana, stevia, water, cinnamon, and 1 Tablespoon greens powder. Could've had another 16 ounces of it.
Lunch: salad - same old same old - avocado, mixed greens, veggies, etc.
Snack: 1/2 Green and Black's 70% dark chocolate bar. (That's the big bar, folks. Oh yeah.
Dinner: haven't had any yet. (I've been caught in a nocturnal sleep cycle for a little while, so I only woke up at 3pm.)
I did not partake in the holiday feast. It wasn't hard - it's not a huge big deal holiday or anything for us. There's food, but no production, no big company. And my family is really supportive of my raw food diet, so long as I'm using it to get healthy. So no unnecessary explanations or repeated denials of turkey.
I did 25 minutes of solo yoga this morning. I highly recommend adding dance breaks (boogie-asana?) between sun salutations. It makes everything more fun.
Also went for a quick 20-minute walk, and danced around for a while just because I felt like I wanted to move.
Today has just been pebbled with moments of deep joy, gratitude, and bliss. That's the only way I can describe it. The fatigue that's been plague-ing me is gone. I feel wonderful. Light, peaceful, happy.
Light-hearted and bright, I would say.
Stats
Breakfast: Green shake. It was delicious. I added more cacao and it just amped it up. It tasted like a chocolate milkshake, and all it was was 1 head romaine hearts, maca, cacao, banana, stevia, water, cinnamon, and 1 Tablespoon greens powder. Could've had another 16 ounces of it.
Lunch: salad - same old same old - avocado, mixed greens, veggies, etc.
Snack: 1/2 Green and Black's 70% dark chocolate bar. (That's the big bar, folks. Oh yeah.
Dinner: haven't had any yet. (I've been caught in a nocturnal sleep cycle for a little while, so I only woke up at 3pm.)
Quick Thoughts
1. I think part of the reason I've felt so out of it during these initial days is that I've had a completely free schedule. I thrive on a little organization. I think it would benefit me to set lunch and dinner times for 12:00pm and 5:30pm, respectively. If I'm not hungry, I don't have to eat, but just having that little reassurance of knowing when and what meals will be really comforts me.
2. Today is Turkey Day. This morning I stood on line at a bakery at the crack of dawn for my family, who offered to buy me whatever pie and/or pastry I wanted in celebration of the holiday. For the first time in a long, long time, I wasn't even tempted. It looked and smelled lovely in there, but honestly? I've had about a zillion pies, cookies, and pastries during my bulimia.
I've never published a novel, though. Or visited London. And those are the kinds of opportunities I might've had if I hadn't wasted ten years on pies and pastries. So today I'll forgeo the (for once, sanctioned) binge eating, and instead pay homage to this holiday's original meaning - gratitude. I am grateful for my health, for my family, and for life.
2. Today is Turkey Day. This morning I stood on line at a bakery at the crack of dawn for my family, who offered to buy me whatever pie and/or pastry I wanted in celebration of the holiday. For the first time in a long, long time, I wasn't even tempted. It looked and smelled lovely in there, but honestly? I've had about a zillion pies, cookies, and pastries during my bulimia.
I've never published a novel, though. Or visited London. And those are the kinds of opportunities I might've had if I hadn't wasted ten years on pies and pastries. So today I'll forgeo the (for once, sanctioned) binge eating, and instead pay homage to this holiday's original meaning - gratitude. I am grateful for my health, for my family, and for life.
Day 3 - Dazed
Woke from nightmares where I was tortured and murdered in a hotel room near the Hollywood Hills.
Woke grumpy but with more energy. Brief allergy-like symptoms in the morning, but they barely registered before they passed.
I went for a meditative walk outside, trying to remember that God dwells within me, as me, and I should choose my thoughts as carefully as I choose my clothing in the morning. (Saw Eat Pray Love last night.) Of course, I don't generally give my clothing much thought. Maybe I should. Maybe fashion is the doorway to God.;p
Physical report: Feel okay. Energy comes and goes. Not as stuffed, but I didn't eat as much, either.
Emotional: A tougher day today. I didn't follow the food plan precisely because I just was not hungry at all. I'm struggling with trying to give my body the nutrients it needs without eating when I'm not hungry. And I'm not used to feeling full.
I had some "oh my God, I'm so fat!" moments today, coupled with me fretting about whether to eat more lettuce and carrots. Deciding to eat a salad shouldn't cause this much consternation, you know?
General Thoughts: I'm not lonely, per se, but the company of some good friends would be really nice.
Boredom/isolation is leading to stagnation, I think. I need a new job, I need to get out more, and I need to enjoy this precious little life.
Stats
Breakfast: green drink - head of romaine, greens powder, maca, cacao, banana.
Lunch: salad with mixed greens, a avocado, 2 scallions, lemon juice, s and p, 1 roma tomato. baked (microwaved) half a sweet potato and 2 carrots with some organic butter
Snacks: Green and Black's chocolate! In the freezer, it tastes like that crackly chocolate coating they wrap around ice cream bars.
1 banana
Dinner(ish): basically just been snacking randomly on raw veggies. avocado, carrots, tomatos.
Also: 3 cage-free organic eggs with small mixed salad/lemon juice
Exercise: 18 minutes walk. 2 minutes hula hoop. (Need to move more before bed.)
Woke grumpy but with more energy. Brief allergy-like symptoms in the morning, but they barely registered before they passed.
I went for a meditative walk outside, trying to remember that God dwells within me, as me, and I should choose my thoughts as carefully as I choose my clothing in the morning. (Saw Eat Pray Love last night.) Of course, I don't generally give my clothing much thought. Maybe I should. Maybe fashion is the doorway to God.;p
Physical report: Feel okay. Energy comes and goes. Not as stuffed, but I didn't eat as much, either.
Emotional: A tougher day today. I didn't follow the food plan precisely because I just was not hungry at all. I'm struggling with trying to give my body the nutrients it needs without eating when I'm not hungry. And I'm not used to feeling full.
I had some "oh my God, I'm so fat!" moments today, coupled with me fretting about whether to eat more lettuce and carrots. Deciding to eat a salad shouldn't cause this much consternation, you know?
General Thoughts: I'm not lonely, per se, but the company of some good friends would be really nice.
Boredom/isolation is leading to stagnation, I think. I need a new job, I need to get out more, and I need to enjoy this precious little life.
Stats
Breakfast: green drink - head of romaine, greens powder, maca, cacao, banana.
Lunch: salad with mixed greens, a avocado, 2 scallions, lemon juice, s and p, 1 roma tomato. baked (microwaved) half a sweet potato and 2 carrots with some organic butter
Snacks: Green and Black's chocolate! In the freezer, it tastes like that crackly chocolate coating they wrap around ice cream bars.
1 banana
Dinner(ish): basically just been snacking randomly on raw veggies. avocado, carrots, tomatos.
Also: 3 cage-free organic eggs with small mixed salad/lemon juice
Exercise: 18 minutes walk. 2 minutes hula hoop. (Need to move more before bed.)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Day 2
I had no internet access yesterday, so this is a little late. In general, I plan to post a daily update at the end of each day. It makes me feel accountable for my actions, and also makes the process more enjoyable for me.
So. Day two (yesterday) was my third day of not binging and purging, and my second day following the raw foods detox 4 women diet.
I didn't feel hungry at all yesterday. In fact, by dinnertime, I was so full that I couldn't force down a whole big greens-filled salad. I opted for a bowl of veggies and some guacamole, but even that was just because I felt fearful of not getting in enough calories/nutrients.
Physical negatives: I felt gassy and bloated and uncomfortable for most of the day. Extremely fatigued.
Physical Positives: My eyes seem brighter, and my eyesight seems a little better. I wear glasses, but the last few weeks I've been feeling like I need a stronger prescription. I *just* got glasses in July, so that would have been weird. I think it was just all the purging - one of the lesser-talked-about symptoms of bulimia is its effects on your eyes. There are plenty of days when they just tear up, and the tears feel like fire because my body is overly acidic.
Emotional Positives: Survived a freak out late last night. Just wanted to eat and numb this mysterious sudden anxiety. Ate some raw veggies instead of something sugary and carb-filled. (Which would have tailspinned me into bulimia.) Watched TV, drank some coffee, worked on some character designs for a piece I'm drawing. The feeling subsided, and after two episodes of Mad Men, I went to sleep.
Emotional Negatives: Mood swings, lack of ambition. Bit off a family member's head when she asked me for a favor.
Random Thoughts: If I continue this Natalia Rose journey beyond the 4 planned weeks, I will definitely invest in a greens/wheatgrass juicer. It didn't occur to me somehow that the reason for juicing instead of blending is to eliminate all the fiber and bulk in greens while keeping the nutrients, allowing the nutrients to aborb into the bloodstream unimpeded. Since Rose's smoothies revolve around greens, my Jack LaLaine is not getting the job done. Feeling a little lighter and less bulked up/sluggish would go a long way towards continuing this diet.
Something that bummed me out last night: I gave my teeth a good cleaning and realized that the enamel is so worn away in places, my teeth look translucent. It doesn't make for a pretty smile. I used to really like my smile.
I hear wonderful things about raw foods restoring teeth, but if it doesn't improve in the next year or so, I might have to save up for a bonding or something.
Stats
Breakfast: modified green smoothie with 1 head romaine, 2 teaspoons mixed greens powder, 1 banana, some raw cacao, maca, stevia, squeeze of lemon. About 16 ounces smoothie total.
Lunch: big salad with avocado, sweet potato
Snack/Dessert: 1.75 ounces 85% dark chocolate
Dinner: bowl of raw veggies (about 1/2 cucumber, 1 carrot, 5-10 cherry tomatoes, half yellow bell pepper with guac (1 avo with fresh basil and fresh cilantro, lemon)
Exercise
Exercise:
20 minutes yoga.
30 minutes cardio outside
20 crunches
5 minutes hula hoop
5 minutes dancing
This post is long.
So. Day two (yesterday) was my third day of not binging and purging, and my second day following the raw foods detox 4 women diet.
I didn't feel hungry at all yesterday. In fact, by dinnertime, I was so full that I couldn't force down a whole big greens-filled salad. I opted for a bowl of veggies and some guacamole, but even that was just because I felt fearful of not getting in enough calories/nutrients.
Physical negatives: I felt gassy and bloated and uncomfortable for most of the day. Extremely fatigued.
Physical Positives: My eyes seem brighter, and my eyesight seems a little better. I wear glasses, but the last few weeks I've been feeling like I need a stronger prescription. I *just* got glasses in July, so that would have been weird. I think it was just all the purging - one of the lesser-talked-about symptoms of bulimia is its effects on your eyes. There are plenty of days when they just tear up, and the tears feel like fire because my body is overly acidic.
Emotional Positives: Survived a freak out late last night. Just wanted to eat and numb this mysterious sudden anxiety. Ate some raw veggies instead of something sugary and carb-filled. (Which would have tailspinned me into bulimia.) Watched TV, drank some coffee, worked on some character designs for a piece I'm drawing. The feeling subsided, and after two episodes of Mad Men, I went to sleep.
Emotional Negatives: Mood swings, lack of ambition. Bit off a family member's head when she asked me for a favor.
Random Thoughts: If I continue this Natalia Rose journey beyond the 4 planned weeks, I will definitely invest in a greens/wheatgrass juicer. It didn't occur to me somehow that the reason for juicing instead of blending is to eliminate all the fiber and bulk in greens while keeping the nutrients, allowing the nutrients to aborb into the bloodstream unimpeded. Since Rose's smoothies revolve around greens, my Jack LaLaine is not getting the job done. Feeling a little lighter and less bulked up/sluggish would go a long way towards continuing this diet.
Something that bummed me out last night: I gave my teeth a good cleaning and realized that the enamel is so worn away in places, my teeth look translucent. It doesn't make for a pretty smile. I used to really like my smile.
I hear wonderful things about raw foods restoring teeth, but if it doesn't improve in the next year or so, I might have to save up for a bonding or something.
Stats
Breakfast: modified green smoothie with 1 head romaine, 2 teaspoons mixed greens powder, 1 banana, some raw cacao, maca, stevia, squeeze of lemon. About 16 ounces smoothie total.
Lunch: big salad with avocado, sweet potato
Snack/Dessert: 1.75 ounces 85% dark chocolate
Dinner: bowl of raw veggies (about 1/2 cucumber, 1 carrot, 5-10 cherry tomatoes, half yellow bell pepper with guac (1 avo with fresh basil and fresh cilantro, lemon)
Exercise
Exercise:
20 minutes yoga.
30 minutes cardio outside
20 crunches
5 minutes hula hoop
5 minutes dancing
This post is long.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Day One - Green Smoothies
Day one is nearly over, and it's been mostly good.
Some highlights:
1. This green smoothie was pretty good. Tasted even better once I let it chill. Lots of nutrients, and I didn't even feel deprived. The chopping and prep replaced the ritual of cooking and chewing.
2. Found a really, really old Best Buy gift card in my closet. Checked it online; it still has $13.91 on it! Sweeeeeeeet.
Some lowlights:
1. Green smoothies are a pain in the ass to make. The prep and cleanup time took about half an hour. I have to use a juicer and a blender, and it doubles the inconvenience.
2. My dog snagged a dropped kale stalk and spent ten minutes horking up foam while I chased her around with paper towels.
3. Spent much of today low-energy, a little foggy. Feeling kind of pudgy - not too bothered emotionally, but a little physically uncomfortable. Not really chomping at the bit to do anything beyond veg out. Pun intended.
4. Grumpy.
Food/Water
- 32 ounces filtered water upon waking. Flavored with a tiny bit of cranberry juice concentrate and stevia.
- instant espresso with stevia and organic cow's milk
Breakfast: 32 ounces green smoothie
Lunch (3 hours later): Natalia Rose's Fountain of Flavor Salad with a few minor adjustments, 1 large baked sweet potato with organic cow's butter.
Dinner: Natalia Rose's Life's a Rainbow salad with avocado. (pic below)
Dessert: Green and Black's organic 85% dark chocolate. (like a row of it or something)
Exercise
- 20 minutes yoga
- 40 minutes cardio outside
Good Habits that Replaced Bad
1. dry-body-brushing and 20 minutes sun salutes to the Glee soundtrack replaced morning TV time.
2. sketching and watching Everwood on Fancast replaced wandering around feeling bored until I get frustrated and start eating.
3. eating healthy replaced binging and purging. That's a big one.
4. A walk in the park replaced shopping for food, eating food, etc. So instead of the inside of a toilet bowl, I got to see things like this:
I actually had a really long, rambling post prepared today, but I'm good with this checklist format for now. Will probably post more emotionally related stuff when I feel like I have the energy to deal with it.
But overall, it's been a significantly better day than any I've had in the last two weeks. So I'm optimistic for the future. I feel mellow (maybe too mellow) but not irritable, and not cold! My hands and feet freeze on raw fruits, but the veggies are treating me well.
Peace and love,
~M
Some highlights:
1. This green smoothie was pretty good. Tasted even better once I let it chill. Lots of nutrients, and I didn't even feel deprived. The chopping and prep replaced the ritual of cooking and chewing.
2. Found a really, really old Best Buy gift card in my closet. Checked it online; it still has $13.91 on it! Sweeeeeeeet.
Some lowlights:
1. Green smoothies are a pain in the ass to make. The prep and cleanup time took about half an hour. I have to use a juicer and a blender, and it doubles the inconvenience.
2. My dog snagged a dropped kale stalk and spent ten minutes horking up foam while I chased her around with paper towels.
3. Spent much of today low-energy, a little foggy. Feeling kind of pudgy - not too bothered emotionally, but a little physically uncomfortable. Not really chomping at the bit to do anything beyond veg out. Pun intended.
4. Grumpy.
Food/Water
- 32 ounces filtered water upon waking. Flavored with a tiny bit of cranberry juice concentrate and stevia.
- instant espresso with stevia and organic cow's milk
Breakfast: 32 ounces green smoothie
Lunch (3 hours later): Natalia Rose's Fountain of Flavor Salad with a few minor adjustments, 1 large baked sweet potato with organic cow's butter.
Dinner: Natalia Rose's Life's a Rainbow salad with avocado. (pic below)
Dessert: Green and Black's organic 85% dark chocolate. (like a row of it or something)
Exercise
- 20 minutes yoga
- 40 minutes cardio outside
Good Habits that Replaced Bad
1. dry-body-brushing and 20 minutes sun salutes to the Glee soundtrack replaced morning TV time.
2. sketching and watching Everwood on Fancast replaced wandering around feeling bored until I get frustrated and start eating.
3. eating healthy replaced binging and purging. That's a big one.
4. A walk in the park replaced shopping for food, eating food, etc. So instead of the inside of a toilet bowl, I got to see things like this:
I actually had a really long, rambling post prepared today, but I'm good with this checklist format for now. Will probably post more emotionally related stuff when I feel like I have the energy to deal with it.
But overall, it's been a significantly better day than any I've had in the last two weeks. So I'm optimistic for the future. I feel mellow (maybe too mellow) but not irritable, and not cold! My hands and feet freeze on raw fruits, but the veggies are treating me well.
Peace and love,
~M
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